SANDHYA'S STORY

My journey has not been an easy one, it has been filled with trauma, pain and self discovery.

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I was brought up in a strict household - my mum was born in Suriname (South America) and my dad was born in South Africa. They met while in this country, married and had 4 children. I have 1 sister and 2 brothers, one of whom is autistic.

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I was a very quiet child, very shy, and would keep myself to myself.

My teenage years were a time where I was still trying to figure out who I was. My parents separated when I was 9 years old, so trying to navigate my emotions was hard, and my time was split between 2 parents who were so busy working that they did not have enough time with us, so I spent most of my time either by myself or with friends, trying to feel accepted.

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As I got older I felt the need to escape and start my own life.

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In the summer of ’92 I met the man that I would later marry. We started to date and grew fond of each other, I started seeing him behind my parents back because I knew they would not approve of him - he was black and of Jamaican heritage.

We fell in love and got married in ’96. Neither of my parents attended, only my sister - my brother tried to break up the wedding ceremony! - but we got married anyway. Our marriage wasn't easy, I think because we never really got any support and there were just too many obstacles.

In the second year of our marriage my husband cheated on me. This left me devastated and unable to trust anyone. I tried to forgive and forget but the pain was too much, and the trust was gone.

Then, one morning, my husband went to work and never came home, this was Feb 19th 2000.  I will never forget that date.

I was so worried, I called all my friends and even the police until, in the early hours of the morning, I got a knock on the door. It was my friend. She said that my husband had written a letter saying that 'he didn't want to be married, he was filing for divorce and did not want any contact with me' - he had told my friend to look after me. I was devastated, so many emotions went through my mind.

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Whilst navigating this, I discovered I was also pregnant with our daughter, Faith.

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So, now I'm pregnant and homeless. I couldn't stay were I was so my friend took me in, then from there I was put into temporary housing.

I was really scared - being pregnant was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, but it was filled with trauma and pain. I continued working during my pregnancy, constantly struggling to keep the tears and emotions at bay. I stayed in a bed and breakfast for about 6 months and then was put into a 1 bed council flat in one of the roughest parts of South London.

I went through so many changes in my body, I started to hate the way my pregnant body looked.

 

On August 21st 2000 I went into labour, and gave birth to my daughter, Faith.

At first I did not bond with her, I had no idea how to look after a newborn; the sleepless nights, the crying, the constant feeding... it was just too much. I couldn't cope, and it felt like I was losing my identity.

I reached out to the church and my sister for help. My dad accepted Faith from the start and helped a lot, however it took my mum 2 years to accept my daughter, but she came around in the end. That period of time was so hard for me, because all I wanted was my mother. However, we have a great relationship now - love and forgiveness are great healers. 

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So there I was, a naive mum, not knowing what to do, I had to learn on the spot.

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School time was hard because I had to juggle work and home. I didn't plan to be a single parent, I thought I would be married forever.

I worked part time and was a stay at home mum whilst my daughter was in primary school because I wanted to be there for her when she got home from school. My daughter is dyslexic, and so am I, so I struggled helping her with homework, but, I persevered and met every educational challenge. That was a really tough time. I gave Faith so much support and encouragement, and I'm so thankful for the support some of her teachers gave her. Faith struggled a lot in school because we did not find out she was dyslexic until she took her GCSE’s so I had to fight every step of the way to get her the help she needed. I turned out to be a very hands on mum, I went to every school trip, every sports day, watched every play and attended every parents evening, I was her biggest cheerleader.

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When my daughter started secondary school I knew that I needed to get myself together in order to give us both a better future, and now that Faith was a little older, I decided to go back to education.

In 2010 I put myself through University achieving my BA undergraduate degree from UAL in Technical Arts and Special Effects and then went on to achieve my Masters in Art Psychotherapy from Goldsmiths University in 2020, during the height of the pandemic. It was hard going back into education as a mature student and a single parent, I had to wear so many hats and be so many things for my daughter, this was a massive milestone. I'd like to think that I was a role model and encouragement for Faith, too, who also went on to go to university.

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I've learnt a lot. My daughter is my everything. She has taught me to be the woman I am today, my life has been hard - at times traumatic - but I'm so glad that I chose to have my baby despite being in the midst of pain.

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Along the way I have learnt to forgive and heal, but this took time.

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​Forgiving my ex-husband was a long and painful process, but with time, my heart has healed. Faith’s dad made the choice to step away from her life, despite my constant encouragement for them to stay connected. I’ve always believed that having that bond is so important. Then, earlier this year, on July 9th 2024, that decision was taken from us when he passed away.
It’s been a difficult and emotional journey, but my focus has always been on what’s best for Faith.

Over recent moths we have been dealing with a lot of grief coming to terms with this loss. It's another part of motherhood, I suppose: death and bereavement. Even though we had divorced, we remained in contact because of Faith. It almost feels like being a widow - I know that sounds weird - but time has a way of reconciling things. ​

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When I look back at how far I have come I can truly say, 'there but for the grace of God go I'.

When I think of how sad and depressed I was - sometimes wanting to end it all - I have truly changed. Having my daughter in my life has been my saving grace. I have come to accept my flaws and pride myself for my resilience.

 

Faith and I have gone through therapy and are establishing boundaries, but we are OK and doing well.

I see my life as a testimony that can help others: we all go through struggles but how we handle them is where our true strength comes from. 

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Looking to the future,​ I am learning to just be me, and that's OK.

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Learning to be bold and beautiful and proudly witnessing, too, how my daughters life unfolds.

As she grows older, she is becoming my friend, my confidant and my strength. I do think motherhood gets easier as they get older - we are more like a 'sisterhood' now. 

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When you put your mind to it you can do anything, I have proven that, I think.  Yes it’s been hard, and yes, it been a struggle at times, but I would not change anything. 

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"There is no manual to motherhood - it has moulded me into the woman I am today, and has taught me to make something out of nothing -but now it's time for my chapter"

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Because of her story, Sandhya is understandably very passionate about mental health and well-being.

She's proud to say she's a qualified Art Psychotherapist HCPC, a neurodiverse specialist mentor & inclusion consultant with a passion for providing wholesome advocates and role models for the next generation coming up.

As a Model Maker she uses the art making process to help clients tackle 'those deep seated emotions'. She's worked for charities and with private clientele battling social, emotional and mental health issues such as; eating disorders, autism, dyslexia, self harm, depression, OCD, suicidal tendencies and with people who are generally struggling to cope. 

As well as helping others she has taken up pole fitness as a challenge for herself "I love pushing the boundaries of being a woman!".

You can follow her story on her instagram @sandhya_ramautar and you can also follow the creative endeavours of her daughter @faiththedesigner.​​​​​